Category: Living

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Living

The Experience of Grieving: Navigating Loss and Healing

back view shot of person in long black dress holding a flower while standing on the shore of a beach
Photo by Oscar Millán on Pexels.com

Intro

My father passed away from cancer two years ago, and the grieving process has been an enlightening, difficult, and tough experience. My dad was receiving hospice care at home before to his death. I was at peace knowing that I was with my dad every day as he approached the end of his life once he made the decision not to get chemotherapy treatment any more, but I found it really difficult and upsetting to watch him pass away. I knew I would need intensive therapy to ensure that I grieved appropriately, especially because I was with him on the day he passed into the afterlife.

Photo Collage of my dad's life. Grieving with memories

Defining Grieving

Grieving is the natural process of experiencing and coping with the emotional response to loss, particularly the loss of someone or something significant in one’s life. This could include the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or any other significant life change. Grief is a complex and deeply personal experience that can involve a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, and disbelief. It can also manifest physically, mentally, and emotionally, affecting one’s behavior, thoughts, and overall well-being. Grieving is a necessary and natural part of the healing process, allowing individuals to come to terms with their loss and eventually find a way to move forward with their lives.

Throughout therapy and my own healing journey, I have learned some truths about grieving. Here are 5 truths that I learned from my grieving experience. This is here to offer insights and support for those traversing this challenging terrain.

Grieving the best dad ever

1. Grieving is a Natural Response: Grief is a natural response to loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or another significant life change. It’s essential to recognize that grieving is not a sign of weakness but a testament to the depth of our connections and the impact of our experiences. By acknowledging the naturalness of grief, we can validate our emotions and begin to work through them in a healthy way.

2. Grieving Looks Different for Everyone: Just as no two people are exactly alike, no two grieving processes are identical. Some may express their grief openly, while others may prefer to process their emotions privately. Additionally, cultural and societal factors can influence how individuals grieve. Understanding that there is no right or wrong way to grieve allows us to honor our unique experiences and seek support in ways that resonate with us personally.

3. Grieving Takes Time: Grief doesn’t adhere to a timetable. It’s not something that can be rushed or neatly compartmentalized. Instead, grieving is an ongoing journey that unfolds at its own pace. While the intensity of grief may ebb and flow over time, it’s essential to be patient with ourselves and allow for the healing process to unfold naturally. By granting ourselves the time and space to grieve, we can gradually find acceptance and peace.

4. Grieving Involves a Range of Emotions: Grief is a complex tapestry of emotions, encompassing sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and more. It’s normal to experience a wide range of feelings throughout the grieving process, and these emotions may come in waves or catch us off guard unexpectedly. Rather than suppressing or denying our

5. Grieving Can Lead to Growth and Transformation:While grief is undeniably painful, it also has the potential to catalyze personal growth and transformation. Through the process of grieving, we confront our deepest fears, reassess our priorities, and develop a newfound appreciation for life’s fleeting moments. As we navigate the complexities of grief, we may discover inner strengths we never knew we had and forge deeper connections with others who share our journey.

Family picture at dad's funeral. Grieving doesn't have to be alone

Conclusion

In conclusion, grieving is not only for death; it comes in relation to a significant life change. Navigating the journey of grief is undoubtedly one of life’s most profound challenges. However, by embracing the five essential truths about grieving, we can find solace, understanding, and hope amidst the pain. Grief is a natural response to loss, unique to each individual, and it takes time and patience to heal. It encompasses a wide range of emotions and has the potential to foster personal growth and transformation.

Whether we’re personally grappling with loss or supporting someone who is, let us remember that grief is not a journey to be traveled alone. By offering empathy, understanding, and support, we can navigate the challenges of grief together and emerge stronger on the other side.

In the midst of grief’s darkness, there is light. Through acceptance, connection, and self-compassion, we can find healing and renewal. May these five truths about grieving serve as guiding beacons on your journey toward healing, and may you find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone.

Leave a comment about your own grieving experience and some tips that have helped you!

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Living

Pain Is An Inevitable Part Of Life.

I now understand why 50 Cent said, “Death has to be easy because life is hard; it’ll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred.” Pain is one of the most universal human emotions. We are aware of the sensation of pain, as well as its effects and potential outcomes. There is no specific game plan or blueprint for dealing with pain; everyone is different. Everyone has a role to play in this life, whether it is a tragedy or a celebration. I look at everything I’ve overcome and what’s going on now and wonder, “Why me, God?” But God has a reason for everything and its outcome, and he knows the people he sends storms to.

I realized God had given me the ability to be an empath, allowing others to find comfort in me and let down their defenses. I’ve recently been through the most trying time of my life. On September 23, 2022, my cousin was murdered, while my father is battling stage 4 prostate cancer. Some days I don’t feel anything, I’m just navigating and surviving, and other days I’m a jumbled mess who can’t get out of bed. Nobody truly understands how it feels to know that someone purposefully took a life and to see the person you care about more than life suffer in front of your eyes. I would shield JJ if I could. If I could bear the pain for my father, I would. That’s the only thing I can say about myself. I would take the pain for all of my loved ones because I know I’m strong and can weather storms. I am concerned about others because I know that not everybody is equipped to deal with the storms and heartaches that life can bring at times.

Daddy’s Little Girl

I remember the movie “My Sister’s Keeper” every time I think about everything my family and I are going through. Seeing someone you care about go through a battle has to be one of the most difficult things. One memorable aspect of that film is how the cancer of a daughter or sister affects everyone differently. As I previously stated, the domino effect of pain affects everyone associated with this person. The hopeless feeling that nothing you do will help this person you love who is in so much pain. Since I was a child, my father has been a superman to me, lifting me up whenever I needed it, bestowing half of his brilliant mind on me, and illuminating me with righteous morals and values. The thing about sickness is that it has no timetable; it can strike at any time. I’ve been watching my father fight stage 4 prostate cancer for the past two years. I’ve come to the conclusion that I simply want to support whatever he wants. People often will encourage someone to fight on, but my question to myself and others has been, are they fighting for themselves or for you? I will never understand the suffering or pain he is experiencing. I can just be there for him, love him, and do what I can to help.

JJ’s death taught me that every moment spent with someone is valuable; appreciate the time; and don’t take it for granted. One advantage of social media is the ability to keep up with people even if you don’t see them in person. I recall the last time I saw him . We hadn’t seen each other in a year or two. Jessica, my little cousin, was graduating from Orange High School, marking the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. I recall walking in, excited to see all of her hard work pay off and knowing the obstacles she overcame. I ran up the bleachers to see JJ as I was walking to where my family was sitting. His perfect smile was the first thing that drew my attention. You could see it from a mile away. We hugged and he said, “Dre, look at you all fly and shit.” I said, “Child, you know my body.” He sat there telling me about what he’d been up to; his business; his new outlook on life. I was so intrigued to hear about everything. We talked about how we needed to link up more and check up on each other. When the ceremony was finished, we went into the hallway to take pictures. “I gotta go,” he said, tapping my shoulders. “See you later.” “Nice seeing you,” I replied, “you too,” “be safe.” He was murdered on September 17, 2022, while dropping off a rental car from his business to a customer in Brooklyn. Once he noticed the ID was invalid, he proceeded to speak to the individual and was struck immediately and died. A life taken by a soulless human caused a chain reaction of pain for a number of people.

Control is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned from all of this suffering. I’ve learned to let go of the need for control. I’m not in charge of everything. I have no idea how tomorrow will feel or be, but we do know what we have now. God has undoubtedly kept my father alive, and I am grateful and blessed to have him. To avoid regrets, all we can do is learn to let go and let God, and to live in the moment. We must all die at the end. It’s a fate that none of us can avoid, so how you live each day is critical.

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Living

Surviving Post-Grad Depression 

“Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today.” — Malcolm X

College was one of the most thriving, resilient, and rollercoaster experiences of my life. Going from always being at home, surrounded by family and friends, to only going away with my ex-bestie from middle school. It was an awakening path that eventually guided my decision making. It sparked my independence and determination to be the best version of myself. If I don’t show up to class in the morning, it’s my fault; if I fail, it’s my fault. Everything here is truly and solely on me, and college is the first step in laying a foundation for yourself. It is also a small bridge between high school and the real world, promoting unity, networking, and trial and error. The only thing I dislike about life after college, is that they just throw you into it, and the transition into regular life after four years of fun can be a challenge and a difficult adjustment.

“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” — Vincent Van Gogh

The most important thing to remember is that everyone has their own path and PACE. Everyone’s post-grad life is different; some have jobs lined up, while others are looking for work. Some are attempting to determine the next step. The jump into “adult life” is a huge transition for anyone to encounter. The other day, I had just gone to see one of my best friends who had graduated and the conversation opened my eyes and made me realize something. She said, “Wow, Dre I’m really back here in the hood like I’m never going back to Cortland”. I could feel the trap or fear as I walked into the Brooklyn-based building of being back home. An environment that one is trying to get away from becomes her main reality again. Is it really her fault yet again?Absolutely not. No one can control the environment or family they were born into. These realizations seem to be becoming more and more common when returning back home. I went over to her and held her so tight, tight like in the grasp of a baby holding on to its mother. I told her, as long as you trust in God, Everything will fall into place. Do not start out your summer negatively. Be proud that you have just accomplished something that most people do not. I told her, “The privilege of even attending college as a black student is breaking barriers, let alone even graduating.”Use this time to determine which path is best for you. You may have to try different routes until you find the right one. College connections can always be useful tool. Once that degree is obtained, you can use it to flourish in the world.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” — Oprah Winfrey

Post-grad depression is when this unbearable sadness and confusion comes after their time at college has ended. One may lose motivation to get a job, while others may feel loneliness and begin to form a negative perspective on life. Not everyone is comfortable being able to share these struggles because graduation is seen as such an American societal norm. A norm that is seen as a great time, which makes any individual ashamed. College is a temporary time that is hard to leave, and let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to leave the social life and freedom? Do not let social media portray where you should be. People will post what they want you to see. As I stated above, the important thing is for one to keep themselves positive and find the course of their own life. I also say to also go for your actual dreams and do what you love over money. A lot of people get jobs with their degrees and are not actually happy; money can’t buy you happiness.

I encourage graduates and future graduates to look deeper within themselves when deciding which path is best for them. Remember all the tools and networking from school and use them out in the world. Now is your chance to shine! Plan your life’s success based on your own happiness and your own needs without looking towards others and what they’re doing. Everyone has different routes, and each path is different. You have to take life at your own pace.

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Living

The Era of Devastating Trauma

If you had a friend you knew you would never see again, what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love, what would it be?

Say it, do it, don’t wait… Nothing lasts forever. 

June 9th, 2017 will always be a vivid day, my biggest nightmare. Throughout high school even in my freshman year of college, I was the girl who slept until 2 p.m.especially during the summer. On this particular day, for some “weird” reason, my phone kept ringing repeatedly. I started to get frustrated and decided to place my phone on Do not disturb . However, that did not stop the calls from coming. Once I realized it kept ringing, I felt compelled to wake up and answer. The way my phone would not stop, the ringing was alarming. Someone really needed me. After ignoring multiple calls, I Finally, I answered the phone call. The person calling was my best friend in an emotional and unbearable state. About five seconds into the phone call, I felt my face turning pale. The words that came through the phone hit me as if someone had stabbed me directly in the Chest.

“He’s dead.” “What? Who”?! I stared at the phone with a blank expression, trying to process what was going on, with everything being said. The first thing that ran through my mind was, “This has to be a joke”. I rummaged through social media and saw that other friends were posting “R.I.P.” “I will always miss you.” “This is not fair.” I closed my apps immediately and sat in silence.My MacBook was open, which allowed other calls to come in. The next one is from a man that I truly respect and love, crying his eyes out. Distress and grief were in his tone as he tried to come up with words to say. The sadness in his voice was confirmed. My nightmare was true; my brother was killed, and there was nothing I could do. Besides sulking it all in and remaining silent in my room. Left to my own thoughts, I played back the two conversations I just had. “My brother was killed”. He did not die of anything else besides a gun. Another individual decided to take his life in the most violent way possible. This seemed unbelievable to me, but for others, this was the norm. It did not hit me how much we normalized this behavior. And When I say we, I mean African Americans.

Let me share a distinct moment that occurred on Memorial Day. I attended several different cook outs in Newark, NJ. For those who don’t know Newark, the city is one of the most violent crime areas in the United States. As I walked out of a cookout, I overheard a conversation that bothered my spirit. There was a couple in front of my cousins and me who shared a sense of excitement and happiness. The woman said to her man, “Wow babe, there were no shootings today” and he replied, “I know, babe. We lit. “The whole hood is lit.” To see people actually happy that there were no shootings occurred was beyond me, almost like they were prepared for killings to occur. My cousin and I walked down the street towards my car while eight cop cars were on the street, siring away. In the background, I heard the man say as he took a joint out.

“Man, I love this ghetto heaven.” I was appalled at him lighting his joint while the police cars dashed by. “They don’t care because they’re too worried about the bodies.” Where Did he see this as heaven? All I saw was pain and suffering within our community, within our country! I spoke to my cousin, anxious about the whole ordeal. It frustrated me when he told me the hood would never change. This will always be a black individual’s  situation, so we make the best out of it. The worst part about that is how true it is that most African Americans are born into and placed into these situations. How could I even be mad at him for believing something that is present to him every day? Usually, when there are helicopters in the sky, it means a body is being transferred. The way one in the hood is familiar with the presence of death is shocking. The unfavorable part about this is that not only are we dealing with the inequality of society, but our violence stems from each other.

Not only is the world against us, but we are against each other as well. Black men carry guns in order to feel safe or to protect their loved ones.These weapons are brought anywhere and everywhere, which carries on the violence. Funeral after funeral, we bury our young loved ones as a result of beef, gang rivals, police brutality, and innocent crossfires. The struggle for blacks not only includes the injustice we receive but also the harm we cause each other. As I tell my cousins and friends, “The streets don’t love anyone; don’t be anywhere you aren’t cared for.” It was at the funeral of my brother that I realized something sadly. This nightmare of mine, the one I prayed to God would never happen and dreaded deeply, was a reality to my cousins and a majority of my own people. Death is always just around the corner for any person of color in America at any time. Withholding all this pain,How could one not be damaged or deterred in some way? When will our pain end? His death sparked me into understanding life is short; don’t waste memories or time. What you do and say matters in this life. Don’t take it for granted.

RIP ANGEL

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Living

There’s No Such Thing As Perfect Timing

Yes, you read it correctly. No Such Thing!

Have you ever put an idea or task on hold because it didn’t feel like the “perfect timing”? Well, I’m here to tell you to stop waiting and start doing! 

Before even writing my first blog, I was working on this website for about two months, trying to make sure everything was perfect. Perfectionism is a trait I’ve seen throughout the media that everyone tries to accomplish. Nothing in this world is perfect. Humans are made up of flaws, errors, and lessons. I’ve realized this pressure to be perfect can and has indeed held me back from growth or even learning. Imperfectly is what I am and will continue to be in this world and the next. I’m taking the first step by doing and following through with consistency and organization for the success of the empire I want to build. If you want results or an answer to whether something will work or not, START NOW. The more you wait, the longer it will take to know, and eventually you may give up and have regrets. Can you live the rest of your life knowing that you did not try right away? This “perfect timing” you’re waiting for will never be. Life is an expected rollercoaster known for its ups and downs until the end. It doesn’t matter how you plan it, it doesn’t matter how you envision it without even knowing it. Sometimes life has a way of finding you exactly what you need or exactly who you need. 

All those nights of me trying to figure out who I would be, how I would do it, and where I would end up were just causing more and more anxiety to never start and wait. I finally took the chance, let go of fear, and pursued my dream. I am proud that I pushed myself to be here, writing, telling stories, and guiding others with my own blog! This is only the beginning, and I have so much more to do. The naked truth is not just an idea or brand, it’s a lifestyle and a way of life we should experience, not for others, but ourselves the way we want to. There will be failures, mistakes, and even challenges along the way, but the best thing about the end goal is the journey you took to get there. Nobody else can control or lead you on your unique path.