Tag: death

Categories
Self Love and Relationships

My Hero Left Me and Became My Angel

On November 29, 2022 My life took a turn for the worst when I walked into my parents’ room following my usual routine and realized something was off about my father. He seemed to be asleep, but I soon realized his chest had no movement. Automatically, my heart sank to my gut, and I knew something was wrong. I felt for a pulse and felt nothing; once I called the hospice nurse, she came and pronounced my father dead.

In July, after rounds of radiation and then chemo, my father’s cancer cells were still producing and increasing. Once cancer spreads to one’s bones, it gets difficult to decrease the spread and kill the bad cells. My father decided that he did not want to continue chemo or try the next experimental drug. I’ll never forget the day he told my mother and I this, and our initial response was to push him and say “You got this; we will try whatever it takes”. My dad looked at my mother and me and said “I’m tired of trying”. Once I heard this, I knew my reality was going to change into something I had never imagined. At first we were frustrated and sad he was giving up, but we had to take a step back and ask, “Is Daddy living for us or himself”? The realization that no matter what, my father’s life is his—not mine or my mom’s—it’s his choice on how it goes. However he wants it to end should be respected because, at the end of the day, we are not the ones sick. I am not the one suffering or going through what my dad is. This was the start of trying to let go and preparing my dad for his transition to the afterlife.

“No other love in the world is like the love of a father has for his little girl.” – …

Now that we’ve stopped chemo, I’ve seen my father’s pain increasing, his appetite decreasing, and his body slowly shutting down. The cancer doctor had recommended that if it got to the point where there was nothing to do, he at least consider hospice as an option so he could at least be comfortable until the end. I can say that to this day, I am happy that I pushed it for my dad. He was very grateful for me even having the meeting; once they came to our home and answered all our questions, we knew right then that this was the best decision. Within months on hospice, while the cancer was spreading to the bones, the tumor in my dad’s brain began to cause bleeding, which affected his vision. My father went blind about a month before he died. I can remember the day he told me and the emotions that occurred. I could tell my dad was scared; he hated that he couldn’t see. This was the sign that let him know he was nearing the end. My love for my father is unconditional. I reassured him that it was okay because God created me for him; I’ll be his eyes, ears, or whatever he needs; I am at his service. My dad hugged me and told me, “I’m grateful to have a loving daughter like you; your compassion and empathy will always have you far and blessed in life”.

I can’t explain the strength I needed to come home every day knowing that my father was preparing for the next chapter of life. Every day I made sure to walk into my home and be or do whatever my dad needed. I am at peace knowing that every step of the way, my dad felt love and comfort from me. I’m happy I never broke down in front of him, and I’m happy God gave me the strength to be the best caretaker and daughter I could be for him. Although we knew it was going to come, you can never really prepare for death. I’ve told everyone around me that sitting in the pews at a funeral vs. the front row is a completely different experience. The day my dad died, I died as well. The woman I am today is completely different from what people know. My whole view on life, love, finances, etc. has changed, and I’d honestly say for the better. I am my father’s daughter, and his morals, values, and love are forever embedded in me and my mother. This taught me that life is uncontrollable, and the only control I have over it is mine. Once I learned this, I had to let go of everything out of my control and trust God.

“A daughter may outgrow your lap but she’ll never outgrow your heart.”

Sometimes God has plans that we don’t understand or agree with. The only thing we can do is be obedient and trust that everything is for a better purpose. I can’t tell you why my dad was taken from me at the age of 24, but all I can do is heal, love the people who are here for me, and now live my life to represent my dad. Today is the first birthday without him here, and I miss him so much that, as I write this, I am crying. I am sad, but I know I will eventually be okay. Time heals all wounds, but that doesn’t mean I will not have this pain forever. As humans, we learn to bear with pain, so we are able to move on and continue living until it is our time. I believe in the afterlife, and I feel and know my dad is everywhere with me. A bond so unique and special is once in a lifetime, and I’m honored to say Edwin Whittaker was my father. He left an impact on so many lives, and with a heart and humor like his, it doesn’t die. I will make sure to continue the Whittaker legacy and honor my father in ways he would love. I love you, dad; happy 63rd birthday! I hope heaven is good and you’re happy with Grandma. I know I’m heartbroken now, but I will make sure this doesn’t break me but makes me stronger.

“Dad: a daughter’s first love.” 

I love you to eternity and back. Yours always, Dre

Categories
Living

Pain Is An Inevitable Part Of Life.

I now understand why 50 Cent said, “Death has to be easy because life is hard; it’ll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred.” Pain is one of the most universal human emotions. We are aware of the sensation of pain, as well as its effects and potential outcomes. There is no specific game plan or blueprint for dealing with pain; everyone is different. Everyone has a role to play in this life, whether it is a tragedy or a celebration. I look at everything I’ve overcome and what’s going on now and wonder, “Why me, God?” But God has a reason for everything and its outcome, and he knows the people he sends storms to.

I realized God had given me the ability to be an empath, allowing others to find comfort in me and let down their defenses. I’ve recently been through the most trying time of my life. On September 23, 2022, my cousin was murdered, while my father is battling stage 4 prostate cancer. Some days I don’t feel anything, I’m just navigating and surviving, and other days I’m a jumbled mess who can’t get out of bed. Nobody truly understands how it feels to know that someone purposefully took a life and to see the person you care about more than life suffer in front of your eyes. I would shield JJ if I could. If I could bear the pain for my father, I would. That’s the only thing I can say about myself. I would take the pain for all of my loved ones because I know I’m strong and can weather storms. I am concerned about others because I know that not everybody is equipped to deal with the storms and heartaches that life can bring at times.

Daddy’s Little Girl

I remember the movie “My Sister’s Keeper” every time I think about everything my family and I are going through. Seeing someone you care about go through a battle has to be one of the most difficult things. One memorable aspect of that film is how the cancer of a daughter or sister affects everyone differently. As I previously stated, the domino effect of pain affects everyone associated with this person. The hopeless feeling that nothing you do will help this person you love who is in so much pain. Since I was a child, my father has been a superman to me, lifting me up whenever I needed it, bestowing half of his brilliant mind on me, and illuminating me with righteous morals and values. The thing about sickness is that it has no timetable; it can strike at any time. I’ve been watching my father fight stage 4 prostate cancer for the past two years. I’ve come to the conclusion that I simply want to support whatever he wants. People often will encourage someone to fight on, but my question to myself and others has been, are they fighting for themselves or for you? I will never understand the suffering or pain he is experiencing. I can just be there for him, love him, and do what I can to help.

JJ’s death taught me that every moment spent with someone is valuable; appreciate the time; and don’t take it for granted. One advantage of social media is the ability to keep up with people even if you don’t see them in person. I recall the last time I saw him . We hadn’t seen each other in a year or two. Jessica, my little cousin, was graduating from Orange High School, marking the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. I recall walking in, excited to see all of her hard work pay off and knowing the obstacles she overcame. I ran up the bleachers to see JJ as I was walking to where my family was sitting. His perfect smile was the first thing that drew my attention. You could see it from a mile away. We hugged and he said, “Dre, look at you all fly and shit.” I said, “Child, you know my body.” He sat there telling me about what he’d been up to; his business; his new outlook on life. I was so intrigued to hear about everything. We talked about how we needed to link up more and check up on each other. When the ceremony was finished, we went into the hallway to take pictures. “I gotta go,” he said, tapping my shoulders. “See you later.” “Nice seeing you,” I replied, “you too,” “be safe.” He was murdered on September 17, 2022, while dropping off a rental car from his business to a customer in Brooklyn. Once he noticed the ID was invalid, he proceeded to speak to the individual and was struck immediately and died. A life taken by a soulless human caused a chain reaction of pain for a number of people.

Control is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned from all of this suffering. I’ve learned to let go of the need for control. I’m not in charge of everything. I have no idea how tomorrow will feel or be, but we do know what we have now. God has undoubtedly kept my father alive, and I am grateful and blessed to have him. To avoid regrets, all we can do is learn to let go and let God, and to live in the moment. We must all die at the end. It’s a fate that none of us can avoid, so how you live each day is critical.