My Hero Left Me and Became My Angel

On November 29, 2022 My life took a turn for the worst when I walked into my parents’ room following my usual routine and realized something was off about my father. He seemed to be asleep, but I soon realized his chest had no movement. Automatically, my heart sank to my gut, and I knew something was wrong. I felt for a pulse and felt nothing; once I called the hospice nurse, she came and pronounced my father dead.

In July, after rounds of radiation and then chemo, my father’s cancer cells were still producing and increasing. Once cancer spreads to one’s bones, it gets difficult to decrease the spread and kill the bad cells. My father decided that he did not want to continue chemo or try the next experimental drug. I’ll never forget the day he told my mother and I this, and our initial response was to push him and say “You got this; we will try whatever it takes”. My dad looked at my mother and me and said “I’m tired of trying”. Once I heard this, I knew my reality was going to change into something I had never imagined. At first we were frustrated and sad he was giving up, but we had to take a step back and ask, “Is Daddy living for us or himself”? The realization that no matter what, my father’s life is his—not mine or my mom’s—it’s his choice on how it goes. However he wants it to end should be respected because, at the end of the day, we are not the ones sick. I am not the one suffering or going through what my dad is. This was the start of trying to let go and preparing my dad for his transition to the afterlife.

“No other love in the world is like the love of a father has for his little girl.” – …

Now that we’ve stopped chemo, I’ve seen my father’s pain increasing, his appetite decreasing, and his body slowly shutting down. The cancer doctor had recommended that if it got to the point where there was nothing to do, he at least consider hospice as an option so he could at least be comfortable until the end. I can say that to this day, I am happy that I pushed it for my dad. He was very grateful for me even having the meeting; once they came to our home and answered all our questions, we knew right then that this was the best decision. Within months on hospice, while the cancer was spreading to the bones, the tumor in my dad’s brain began to cause bleeding, which affected his vision. My father went blind about a month before he died. I can remember the day he told me and the emotions that occurred. I could tell my dad was scared; he hated that he couldn’t see. This was the sign that let him know he was nearing the end. My love for my father is unconditional. I reassured him that it was okay because God created me for him; I’ll be his eyes, ears, or whatever he needs; I am at his service. My dad hugged me and told me, “I’m grateful to have a loving daughter like you; your compassion and empathy will always have you far and blessed in life”.

I can’t explain the strength I needed to come home every day knowing that my father was preparing for the next chapter of life. Every day I made sure to walk into my home and be or do whatever my dad needed. I am at peace knowing that every step of the way, my dad felt love and comfort from me. I’m happy I never broke down in front of him, and I’m happy God gave me the strength to be the best caretaker and daughter I could be for him. Although we knew it was going to come, you can never really prepare for death. I’ve told everyone around me that sitting in the pews at a funeral vs. the front row is a completely different experience. The day my dad died, I died as well. The woman I am today is completely different from what people know. My whole view on life, love, finances, etc. has changed, and I’d honestly say for the better. I am my father’s daughter, and his morals, values, and love are forever embedded in me and my mother. This taught me that life is uncontrollable, and the only control I have over it is mine. Once I learned this, I had to let go of everything out of my control and trust God.

“A daughter may outgrow your lap but she’ll never outgrow your heart.”

Sometimes God has plans that we don’t understand or agree with. The only thing we can do is be obedient and trust that everything is for a better purpose. I can’t tell you why my dad was taken from me at the age of 24, but all I can do is heal, love the people who are here for me, and now live my life to represent my dad. Today is the first birthday without him here, and I miss him so much that, as I write this, I am crying. I am sad, but I know I will eventually be okay. Time heals all wounds, but that doesn’t mean I will not have this pain forever. As humans, we learn to bear with pain, so we are able to move on and continue living until it is our time. I believe in the afterlife, and I feel and know my dad is everywhere with me. A bond so unique and special is once in a lifetime, and I’m honored to say Edwin Whittaker was my father. He left an impact on so many lives, and with a heart and humor like his, it doesn’t die. I will make sure to continue the Whittaker legacy and honor my father in ways he would love. I love you, dad; happy 63rd birthday! I hope heaven is good and you’re happy with Grandma. I know I’m heartbroken now, but I will make sure this doesn’t break me but makes me stronger.

“Dad: a daughter’s first love.” 

I love you to eternity and back. Yours always, Dre